There was a period in history, not all that long ago, when everything became BeDazzled. Purses were Bedazzled. Binders… Jeans… This to us is what’s going on in the world of chocolate-covered fruits. Everything is covered in chocolate nowadays without anyone asking the question, “Does this actually taste better in chocolate?” Covering watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe with chocolate should be punishable by death. Strawberries, however, are a different story, as you’ll soon discover.

Cookies and Cream is a flavor of dessert made with chocolate sandwich cookies stuffed with a sweet, fairly thick, putty-like cream. If that reads like the definition of an Oreo, that’s because it is. The cookie is so widely beloved by Americans that they’ve coined themselves “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.” And, while we respect the heck out of Oreo, they’ve been ruling for over a century now and we feel it’s time for someone else to sit on the throne. Meet milk’s new favorite cookie... Creme de la Crumb.

The Doughboy is creepy. He’s not even a boy. Sure, he has an adolescent’s voice. But, this isn’t Napoleonic France. If a child were spotted working a full-time gig as a baker, somebody would be going to court. He’s very much a man disguised as a boy. Heck, he doesn’t even bake the cinnamon rolls for you. Here at Last Crumb, we don’t employ adolescents. And, we actually bake your cookies for you. Like this Cinnamon Roll Cookie that’s so delicious, it’s making the doughboy shake in his toque.

In writing this description, we caught wind of a rumor that if you type Florida Man into Google News you will be answered with headlines so unbelievable that you’d think they were written for an episode of Reno 911. So, we gave it a try and here’s what we found. Florida Man... Attacked During Selfie With Squirrel. Florida Man... Florida Man... breaks into Last Crumb headquarters wearing a Cookie Monster Costume and makes off with 100 lbs of flour thinking it's Cocaine.

Carrots are not only crunchy and tasty, but they’re also highly nutritious. Unfortunately, when you combine a bunch of carrots with flour, sugar, oil, butter and thick voluptuous icing, you get absolutely none of these benefits; literally zero. So, eat a couple of carrots before you eat this cookie so we can sleep soundly at night and so you realize all the Instagram health nuts that talk about how delicious they are in their “raw form,” have never, not once, had a slice of carrot cake in their entire life.

There’s a lot to hate about a Churro. For one, they’re messy as hell. You lay into a Churro for a couple of minutes and you’d swear you had just worked a double shift at Cinnabon. For two, they’re a real bear to transport. Try and fit one in a bag or purse. For three, they’re never consistent. You never know if the person actually making the Churro views the Churro as a beloved art form or a money-making venture churning out sugary fried dough for, well, dough. So, we’ve done the world a service, done away with all the bad of the Churro and we’ve doubled down on the good.

She’s lying on the bed wearing smokey, see-through lingerie that you can’t take your eyes off of. Her scent grabs you by the nostrils. You reach out and begin to caress her... You undress her, slowly at first. Then, in a hungry fever, you rip off her garments and toss them to the side of the bed. She’s naked now. Her brown, oven-kissed skin. Her doughy circular curves. Her thick, delicious chocolate chips poke out from her perfectly baked crust. Unable to control yourself any longer, you reach down, you grab her and you open your mouth.

There were a lot of business lessons to be gleaned in all those lunchroom negotiations. The value of chocolate milk was as volatile as Bitcoin. On beef stew day, the market took such a dip you would have sworn it was 1929 all over again. However, there was one item at school lunch that was essentially the equivalent to a gold bar: The PB&J. If you somehow got your hands on a well-made PB&J, you had the upper hand in any negotiation you found yourself in. If you had this PB&J cookie back then? You’d have been Warren F****** Buffett.

The moment the very first leaf of Fall begins to change shade, an army of basic white girls clad in Ugg Boots and Infinity Scarves begin to form. And, seemingly overnight, everything becomes pumpkin-themed. There is, however, something we will forever be indebted to the basic white girl for: The Pumpkin Spiced Latte. We don’t care how manly or brutish a gentleman is. We don’t care if he pisses black coffee. Even John Wayne could have found the poetry in the $10 latte.

We aren’t historians. We are bakers. So, some or all of this may or may not be fictional. The Queen of Sheba loved nuts. But, there was one particular nut she loved more than any other nut. The Pistachio.She loved it much so, that she made it a royal decree that no commoners could eat them. In fact, she loved Pistachios so much that she took her country’s entire harvest for her and her royal court. Cherish this Pistachio cookie, because if you were caught with it at the wrong time in history, you would have ended up in prison sharing a bunk with a lepar.

Several years back some thieves managed to sneak into a small town in Germany and steal 22 tons of Nutella. To put this into perspective, that’s 22 Liberty Bells filled with Nutella. When we first read this, we couldn’t help but wonder...What were the thieves planning to do with all that Nutella? Perhaps, they were an upstart bakery, looking to roll out a Nutella S’mores Cookie that required a substantial amount of Nutella to make. Perhaps, they were pretty good guys trying to make an honest living. Perhaps, everyone should cut them a break.